Jokes, Quotes and Fun for Gamblers

Joke 1

A strong young man at a construction site is bragging that he can outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He makes a point of making fun of one of the older workmen the most. After several minutes, the older worker has had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” the older workman says. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building over there that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replies. “Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reaches out and grabs the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he says, “All right. Get in.”

Joke 2

One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly calls out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone, help!”

A man from a nearby table stands up and announces that he is quite experienced at this sort of thing. He steps over with almost no look of concern at all, wraps his hands around the boy’s gonads, and squeezes. Out pops the quarter. The man goes back to his table as though nothing happened.

“Thank you! Thank you!” the father cries. “Are you a paramedic?”

“No,” replies the man. “I work for the IRS.”

Joke 3

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband.

“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men who will pay me $500 to do what I do for free for you!”

The man ponders for a moment, and then begins packing HIS bags. “What do you think you’re doing?” his wife says, surprised.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”

Joke 4

Little Tommy is the quietest boy in school. He never answers any questions but his homework is always quite excellent. If anyone says anything to him he simply nods, or shakes his head. The staff thinks he is shy and decides to do something to give him confidence.

“Tommy,” says his teacher. “I’ve just bet Miss Smith five dollars I can get you to say three words. You can have half.”

Tommy looks at her pityingly and says, “You lose.”

Joke 5

“I want you to help me stop my son’s gambling,” an anxious father says to his boy’s principal. “I don’t know where he gets it from, but it’s bet, bet, bet.”

“Leave it to me,” says the principal. A week later he phones the boy’s father. “I think I’ve cured him,” the principal says.

“How?”

“Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, ‘I bet that’s a false beard.’ ‘How much?’ I asked, and he said ‘Five dollars.’ ”

“What happened?” asks the father.

“Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me five dollars. I’m sure that’ll teach him a lesson.”

“No, it won’t,” says the father. “He bet me ten dollars this morning that he’d pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!”